Some Kinda Monster

10:11pm: Heh. Heh. Heh.

You Are The Suave Gay Man


What Type Of Gay Man Are You?
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So, yeah, all you gay guys wish you could have my suave ass, but no! Such is Mango.

1:51am: In your........uh......eye....CNU
So, CNU decided to tell me about my registration dates. Finally. Only 2 days after they were over. When I called the registrar I was informed in so many words that my status as a veteran meant nothing to them, that I was a transfer student, and would be treated as such. Thank you. I'll remember that next time some guy in says he wants to pull off his terrrrrrist act at CNU. I might just send out a students only email and get them out. So, a special thanks to the University of Phoenix online for allowing me to study in your top of the line cyber institution. I can't beleive how easy it was. After so many years at CNU I just assumed that getting classes was supposed to be like pulling teeth from a sleep deprived lion. At good ol' UOP they assigned me an academic advisor who is also a veteran, so not only is he handling my recommendations for classes, he is handling all the red tape with my military tuition assistance, I just have to fill out the class applications. Its really weird having someone actually help me.

9:37am: Blah blah blah. I have nothing to say. Its really hot here. Stupid broken AC. Looks like another day of sweating my butt off followed by.......uh......another day. But I have a guitar.

12:47am: Too heavy.
Just to give everyone a heads up, this is another depressing LJ.Why? Because thats how I feel most of the time.

"Lie to me, convince me that I've been sick forever, and all of this will make sense when I am better"

"And if I bleed, I bleed knowing you don't care...Even though I'm the sacrifice, you won't try for me, not now." Isn't it sad that those lines applied to my "best friend" while I was in Iraq?
"Isn't something missing?" Do you notice that I'm not there? Does it matter?

It all seems so long ago, but the pain and confusion grow everyday. When am I going to be me again? Am I me anymore?

10:12pm: I'm better off on my own.......
Is it possible for someone who knows that there's more to life could get this depressed about being lonely. How do you find somone that wants to be with you when they already think you're the greatest. What good is being the greatest when its not good enough to be more than the friend that gets to pick up the pieces and help them on to their next big disaster? Would it even be possible for me to not help? I doubt it. I don't know how else to be. But I don't wanna be like this anymore. Where do I go now? What do I do?

And on a seperate note: Why am I so angry all the time? Really? If someone says something stupid, my first thought isn't "wow, that was dumb". Its more along the lines of "Fuck that retard". Can we say seek professional help? What happened to me?

11:51am: WEEEEE!!
Why is music so freakin addictive? I don't think I've gone 20 minutes without music in the past 3 days while I was awake. It doesn't even have to be that great. There's 80's Hair metal playing right now, but its cool. Its something. But I am going to make that go away for something a little more.........not crappy.

8:30pm: Must give the anger monkeys a banana........
Who the hell are you to tell me that I'm immature? When you went running for the hills to avoid not getting your way, I sat and busted my butt to get through it so that you could come back when all was safe and cry some more about not getting your way. GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!
Don't worry, none of you know who I'm talking about, but its safe to say that after tonights speech about teaching your children intolerance and how to use alienation as a tool, I will not be the Sunday school teacher at my church anymore. At least I know I gave it my best shot. And when things got bad I didn't bite my tongue to avoid hurting people's feelings. I said what was right and what needed to be said and I can live with the cost.
SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!!!!!!!!

5:23pm: No more cast!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have my hand back. I have my hand back. What do you got to say about that? I don't really have full use of all my fingers, but its a start, and it'll come back with time. WHEEEE HAWWWWW. I'm typing two handed. YAY!!

2:57am: I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!
I don't think its possible to put into words how much I hate this cast. I can't do anything for myself. It takes 10 minutes to tie my own shoes. I can barely type. I can't butter my own bread, I can't cut my own dinner. I can't fix my truck. I can barely sleep because my arm gets stuck on shit. FUCK THIS CAST!! FUCK IT IN THE ASS!!!!

10:26pm: OOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid broken hand. Stupid splint. Stupid "can't play guitar or drums." Percoset, take me away to my happy place!

2:09am: With nothing to gain...
Here's the clincher: This should be you.

You'd think after a year in Iraq that just one thing would work out for me. Just one thing. I don't think I've felt so depressed and alone in my life. There has to be someone out there who actually cares. Not to be concieted but I think I deserve better than nothing. Didn't I earn it? I'd trade my new truck in to just be happy. What the fuck did I do wrong?

7:24pm: So my girlfriend's sister has decided, that being 3 years older than her (the girlfriend) that I can only want one thing in this relationship. Being the great citizen that she is, she decided to tell her parents that, and recommend that I not be allowed to talk to my girlfriend anymore. Her parents jumped at the opportunity. Heidi, living at home and having her college paid for by her parents, is in no position to argue. And honestly, I wouldn't want her to get kicked out of the house and have her parents pull the education money for me. So....it looks like its back to the single life.

12:08am: SHIIIIIIIIT!!
Is it something I've done that makes me a magnet for people who don't deserve to breathe? Why does this happen? What have I done wrong? Do I not deserve to be happy? What the fuck? If you're Heidi's mom, or sister and you're reading this, I hope you rot in hell.

10:32pm: Is today national "Piss on Jimmy" Day and no one told me? Just one thing needs to work right before I go to bed, or I'm getting wasted and passing out in the gutter.

1:45pm: I have nothing to say....
But this is Livejournal, so I'll write something anyway. Things aren't really doing anything. I've spent the past 2 1/2 weeks doing nothing and getting paid for it. Now, I'm still doing nothing but I'm not getting paid anymore. How sad for me. Hopefully I'll get a job soon. I do have a really nice truck. Thats a start. I bought a fishing rod. Again. This time I'm going to keep it for more than 3 years. And thats really it. Nothing is happening. Nothing.
Really.
Trust me.
Race on Sunday.
Atlanta.
Go Jimmie Johnson.
Yup.

8:08am: YAY!
NEW TRUCK!
Yup, I got a new truck. It actually looks new. It feels like a new truck. Even though its a 99. Thats ok, cuz its big and has 4 wheel drive. And it looks really good. I like it. Also, I have a wonderful girl that makes me really happy. Now I'm working on a job that does the same. Hopefully by the end of the week, I'll have it. And I'M HOME!!! I'd put pictures of the truck and the girl up, but the only pic I have of Heidi and he she has really red eyes, and I don't have a program to remove it yet. As for the truck I have no pictures of it, so, tough luck. Maybe some other day. I'll work on that.
I don't have any cool war stories, but, wait, thats cuz I'm not at war. Oh yeah.

1:14am: Its over
No more fear of not surviving the night.
No more dread that I will see any more of my friends killed or injured.
No more wondering if I'll have to put someone back together today, again.
No more of the men that have been the closest in my life.
No more of the history changing purpose that has defined my life for a year.
No more of the getting away with stupity because, "I'm in a combat zone, its ok."
I am home. I made it. I'm so releived and so lonely all at the same time. My fears have gone away, and so have some of my closest friends. I won't have to sleep light tonight, and I won't wake up to Eddie asking for coffee. I won't miss the fear, but I'll miss Eddie until the day I die. Nate won't be there anymore to keep me up at night, and he won't be there when I can't sleep at night. We returned to West Point to a hero's welcome. We had a police escort from Richmond to our Armory. The town was shut down to welcome us. There were people lined up on the sides of the interstate to wave at our busses. There were American flags and yellow ribbons. All businesses were closed and all porches were filled with people who wanted to wave, say thanks, or just shake our hands. There were WWII vets all the way down to the entire elementary school. High schoolers, blue collar workers and doctors all came out. It was the single greatest outpouring of community support that I ever have or ever will see. I could never express all of the emotions running through me at once. Just know that after it all, I am home.

Nick and Dave, I haven't forgotten you. You'll be in my heart forever. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for your families, but I will. I promise you that. I love you guys.
December 21,2004 Mosul, Iraq

5:41pm: Last one
Well, this will be the last post I'll have from the Middle East. I'm outta here today. Its been fun. But, I gots to go. Heidi's awaitin'. So, PEACE, I'm outta here.

4:26pm: Why Kuwait sucks
1. Its boring.
2. Its really boring
3. Did I mention boring
4. You live with the knowledge that you've taken a pointless step towards home. Just because you are in Kuwait does not mean that you are any closer to being home. and its boring.

You get the point the I'm bored. Now I sit around with nothing to do but think about the home that I'm no closer to than I was 2 weeks ago. All I can do is continue to hear how our dates to go home are changing everyday and getting farther away each time.
I did sign up for schools, though. Military schools. Where I will get to pretend that I am a high speed soldier for a while before returning to the abomination that is, my part-time soldiering. I signed up for Primary Leadership Development Course (PLDC)where you learn the basics of troop leading. I've already done this for a year in combat, but you need a certificate to say that you can be promoted, so off I go.
Next was Air Assault. Thats where I learn to fly in to combat on a helicopter. Like Black Hawk Down and We Were Soldiers. I almost got to do this once, now I'm going to a school that will teach me to do it for real.
Then finally, Sapper School. Thats the pinnacle of the Combat Engineer. I will learn to use enemy weapons, set ambushes and all kinds of high speed stuff involving explosives and lots of pain and misery. Sounds like fun to me.
So, I didn't really need to tell you that, but it did kill about 10 minutes of my time. Now its almost time to eat. Thats one of the landmarks that I use to guide myself through these never ending days.

10:39am: YAAAAAAAY
Just a quick post to let you all know that I'm no longer in Iraq, I'm in KUWAIT! There's a Subway here and everything. Its like being on vacation without vegitation. Anyway, I am now one step closer to home and all of you find people Have a wonderful day, I know I will.

11:58pm: The Story of Heidi
One wonderful day here in way too sunny Mosul Iraq, Jimmy was using his friends computer to check his email. This was no unusual occurrence, because its free to bum from a friend, it costs money to go to the internet cafe. All of a sudden an AIM window popped up saying Hi to Joe. Being the gentleman, Jimmy politely informed the random window that Joe was involved in a game of Halo, and that Jimmy was using his computer. Jimmy then informed Joe that the message from coolestchickintheworld* had arrived. Joe said to tell her that he said "Hi" and that it would be funny if Jimmy hit on her. Being an obliging friend, Jimmy proceeded to use the phrase made famous by Steve Stifler in American Pie 2. " Hi my name is Jimmy and I have an eleven inch Penis. Around". This created laughter and playful banter, which led to a 5 hour conversation. The next day Joe informed Jimmy that his friend, Heidi, thought that he was a great guy and would like to talk to him more. The next day Jimmy emailed the fair maiden and thus began a long chain of emails that contiues to this day. Jimmmy(with 3 "m's", for obvious reasons) was impressed with the intellectual challenges of this young lady. Anything he could say, she had an equally challenging come back. Also, he was drawn in by her ability to keep up with random conversations. The subject could change 3 times in a minute and she never got lost. Then he was impressed by her beauty. She's beautiful people. Then when times were hard and all hope seemed lost she was there with unwavering support and faith in him. Her gentle, yet firm words always hit home and caused immediate strength. She's one of the greatest people I know. We haven't seen each other more than a few minutes, but she is real, and she is there and she's just great.
Now you know the story of Heidi. Its nothing but a very interested friendship. But, the potential is there for so much more and I'm really excited about it. Also, she wants more than friendship. I can't wait til I can give her more. She's a great person. I can't say enough about how I feel about her.

2:50am: Soon
I'll be home soon. Well,soon in my world. I've done so many months that one more is nothing.
ALSO!!!! Its a great feeling knowing that you've got someone to come home to. I've got someone to come home to. I'm very happy. Did I mention that I'm happy. Happy about Heidi. Yup, I'm very happy. Figured I'd let ya'll know that.

1:29am: Figures

You Are 28 Years Old

28 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Most people here think I'm 30 anyway. I know I feel 30. This place is killing me. But MY WORK HERE IS DONE! NOTHING TO DO BUT WAIT ON A PLANE RIDE TO A LESS HOSTILE COUNTRY!! WHOOO HOOOO!!!

2:20pm: Almost
Well, I almost got to ride into battle in a chopper. Helicopter, not motorcycle. We were in the "bird", we flew to the staging area, and we were awaiting orders to assault the objective. Then the word came down that the LZ was too foggy, and the mission was off. Figures. I was all excited about dropping in on Haji from above, and I didn't get to. I did, however, get to assault the LZ at my own base. That was almost as fun. But not. I did get to ride in full battle posture in a Black Hawk, and that was enough for me. Now I have to find a way to get back in a Black Hawk and actually run a mission. That would be cool. But, just riding in it was the realization of one of my military goals. Now, if I can just get a real mission before this deployment's over I won't have to re-enlist. This is the scenario. We are going on these birds to assault "something". We're going in hot, which means doors open, gunners shooting, run two steps and drop. If you need a visual look at the scene where the birds land in "We Were Soldiers". That was what I was going to do. I was very very excited to say the least. The Army was repaying me for all of the boring guard shifts and missions to sit in a feild and do nothing. But, alas, it wasn't too be. Oh well, I was ready and did earn "honorary Air Assault wings". Oh well, I guess now I'll have to get the real things.

8:34am: YEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll tell you about it tomorrow. Yee ha.